twas the night before school...

Twas the night before school, 

as i sit here and chill 

wondering about all of the time i will fill

With azures adventure with Lewis begins

Eden and i will shout out and sing

His bag is all packed 

His snack is all made

Will he eat it?

who know he's a punk ass that way

The route has been mapped 

For we shall set out on foot

Avoiding the cars that act all aloof

Our clothes are all  picked out to help the morning run smoothly

please kids don't wake up all cranky and moody

Tomorrow will fill up for azure with teachers

for me i have laundry plus

Eden my thrill seeker

Kevin's in the box playing war with his soldiers

the night slowly creeps on getting colder and colder

I'll take the moment to reflect on these feelings of love

Gad every day for this crazy life that is real

Tomorrows a big day so I'll say it again

Three cheers for the grahams 

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!

Grieving and Acceptance

For the last week after hearing Azure has autism, so many people have rallied to support us as a family. I am grateful, and appreciate that for love we can all share with Azure.

I'm doing better. Crazy as it sounds i had to practice saying "my son has autism". Over and over until i didn't get upset, or didn't get that catch in my throat. Why was it so upsetting? I truly believe I'm not upset that Azure has autism. Hes amazing, magical, full of love and spirit. I was sad because this will be hard for him. Things in school, meeting people, having friends.  I grieved for the social butterfly that he was a a baby, I kept looking for that moment when he switched from going on a "normal" development track of smiling, walking, climbing. To when he first starting showing signs of autism.  I don't know.  More importantly i don't care. I don't care if a vaccine, diet, "my frigidness", or the toxic water caused any of this.  My son has autism. I couldn't be more proud to be his Mum 

We have also gotten a lot done this week. Azure had a independent testing done from the school, they also diagnosed him with autism. When we went for his IEP meeting they already had all of his need and goals that i had wanted in place. The meeting was amazing! i felt SOOOOO much better after. As of Monday Az will be attending the special Ed class at Lewis elementary, Where he will be getting speech, ABA, and occupational therapy. Plus his teacher Mrs.M has been working with gifted kids for a long time. I have faith that azure will get all the help he needs in her class. Plus... I feel great knowing that azure is in a safe environment. 

What will Eden and i do with ourselves??

Birthday's :)

Birthdays in the army are a bit hit and miss. Last year kevin missed Azures birthday because of a rotation. This year he has to miss it for 24hour staff duty. So we kinda delayed azures birthday a bit till monday.
Thank god Az is young enough where he doesn't know its even his birthday. I fact if you sing him Happy Birthday you will witness an EPIC melt down.
So for his "semi birthday"  we kept it low key.
Started the day off with his birthday Easter basket. He loved it. CANDY FOR BREAKFAST! (it was only 8 jelly beans, no worries). The rest of the day couldn't live up to our fun yet relaxing morning. Azure had 3 insane melt downs. That now seem to include dramatic attempts to flip over the kitchen table, chairs, or anything else not nailed down.  By the time he was calmed down it was to hot and late for the park. I made up for it by making him a hard boiled egg... He doesn't eat them...He is kinda obsessed with just holding them. He had it with him all day. It was kinda cute. He even has a cute little "egg" dance.
The rest of the day went by in a blur of errands, phone calls, and more freak outs. I will admit having a diagnosis gives me hope that all of us could now learn tools to help him calm down and communicate. But until then I'm doing a lot of deep breathing.
Tomorrow is monday and kevin will be home! I'm going to push for a late afternoon family birthday adventure. It should involve Balloons and cupcakes.  I promise Az we wont sing xxoo

Happy Birthday my magical little man xoxox 

Autism.

Today we were was told that Azure has Autism. 

I kinda freaked out. I'm still freaking out. Even the fact that i felt like it was coming didn't stop the sudden felling of being blindsided. Suddenly i started playing all the things that kids do through my head and wondering if AZ will participate in them. School dances, sleep overs, best friends, sports teams, theater, prom, collage, kids of his own???? I should of been listening closer to what the Dr. were telling me or turned to Kevin and asked him how he was feeling. Did he have the sudden panicked feeling in his chest. did he want to stand up and tell these trained professionals that "no your wrong! our child cant be only at a 24m learning level. We are good parents!"

But why am i freaking out. its not like they told us he is terminally ill, hes a happy, fun, little boy that Freaking loves airplanes. Its because Autism is still a "dirty word". Finding out now means our world if now going to fill up with different forms of therapy. 15-30 hours a week of speech, occupational, floor time, in home help for everyday milestones like potty training, sleeping and even eating. We have pages of readings and list's of people we need to call. This new "label" will consume our lives for the next few months. Non of this changes who azure has always been. Im just sad that now instead of trips to the park every afternoon it will be appointments and learning tools. For that i am sad.

But for this weekend all of that can wait.  Azure turns 3 on Sunday. So i will stop crying, blaming, googling, and feeling sad. instead we will celebrate this amazing little man that has so much to teach us! 

Azure racing.

eden enjoying her fries.

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I'm not sure if you can see it but the box of tussies  should of been a heads up as to what they were going to tell us...

The plane he remembered from his first tests. 

Relaxing in Jenny and Matt's backyard 

found him in the bike basket naked. Fun times.

A huge thank you to all our wonderful friends and family for the support and kind words xxoo

thank you jenny and matt for opening up  your home to us!

I blame me.

With Azures upcoming appointment on Friday i have been looking for ways to distract myself. Careful what you wish for people... 

Here's the back story. Eden was born with a Sacral Dimple. That mean's above her butt there is a deep dimple that makes her butt crack look crazy long. The pediatrician on call that night she was born looked at it 3 times before letting us discharge from the hospital just to "make sure" it was closed. At every Well Baby appointment since then they have always  taken a look at it and said "looks closed" or "pretty sure its closed". I asked at her 9m well baby if we had a way of just making sure it was closed because no doctor has every really said that they thought it was 100% closed.  Glad i asked because at her ultra sound this morning we found out that... ITS NOT fucking CLOSED! 

So that opens the door to a whole new set of Doctor appointments,  MRI, and 99% sure of some form of spinal surgery to close the dimple. Worst case is that she could get an infection in the dimple that will infect her spine. 

This was not the distraction that i had wanted. I was thinking of art activities or taking the kids to the pool. Not coordinating MRI's and doctors appointments with Kevin rotation schedule.  

I think im really mad this wasn't checked earlier. Im angry i had to suggest that we make sure. Im angry at the shock the doctor had when he found out that eden crawled and even walks already. I think i'm just really fucking angry. 

48 hour countdown.....

Easter, Birthday, and Azure's diagnosis are all coming up n the next few days.  Today we got crafty and pulled a Pintrest idea for dying Easter eggs. AZ FUCKING LOVED IT! I loved it because it was super easy. A few hard boiled eggs, some shaving cream, and food coloring was all we needed.

Having a blast!

 very careful with putting his egg on the spoon

The eggs turned out great! pale in color but that works for me because we worked on leaning his pastel colors. He does a very cute "lavender"

I think i needed the distraction today. Eden was up most of the night because of her teeth, or gas?? so i am CRAZY tired. Its so hot here already that being outside this morning seemed to zap the energy out of me. 

 Plus... I'm doing my best to not over think that in less then 48 a team of highly trained doctors could change the course of our learning path with azure.   Cant wait to get a "yes" or "no" from them and move forward. Not knowing is making me NUTZ!

SO does anyone have any other great indoor, kids games that could help the kids have fun + me stay distracted from the looming results??

Test 2...

I'm crazy tired. I'm being the worst version of myself the last few days. My poor husband and kids :(  lets make it clear the worst version of me is not a yelling, screaming, crying mess. Instead i  kinda of shut down and go into auto pilot mode. Blaaa i need... what do i need...? Who knows. Here is what has been going on...

We completed Test Day 2 with Azure at the Boone fetter Clinic. This round he wasn't tuned into his testers as he had been the first time. He didn't seem to want to engage with the speech pathologist and the pediatric physician. I have  NO IDEA what they may tell us on the 18th. We keep being told by people that something is up with him. What ever is is we will deal with the best way. Laughter and love.

Today while at play group azure was pushing and shoving and kicking every kid that came near him. I had a moment when i thought, if he isn't on the spectrum... i will have to come to terms with the fact that he's an asshole to other kids. A huge asshole. please just make this a faze. Horrific 3's??

Eden and i got to have a fun girls night Saturday. Kevin and Az Stayed the night camping at Rainbow Basin .

Playing in the dirt

Spring has come to the high desert

Fun times with new friends :)

Camping could be a new family fun adventure for us!