Set to private...

Today i set the blog to private. Sorry it may be a pain in the ass now to read but i was getting some crazy messages from people finding it on google. I would love to keep sharing our story so please keep reading:) 

Tomorrow is our first app at the HRC in Pasadena. Im a bit nervous but really excited. I will be getting the full medication rundown. That is a big deal. I have never given myself a shot before. In fact i FUCKING hate shots. Anyone knows me knows needles and me don't mix.  Yet I'm am more then willing to use my ass as a pin cushion to help my IP's start a family. I'm even excited to do it. Strange....
Wish me luck xxoo

Dates, needles, and babies

We got dates! Starting all the "fun" medical protocol for our surrogacy on Monday. Not much to tell yet. I'm super excited that we are finally getting this adventure on the road. My first Dr.app is in Pasadena, so Grandpa and Eden are going to come with me. They will play down the road at one of those cool indoor play areas. Eden is going to LOVE it.  I also think Grandpa Roach really needs to get off post. (This place sucks for civilians. ) So ed en and Grandpa get a short road trip. While i get a fun doctors visit. YAY! Plus I'm also super lucky that we have Erin to watch Az after school. She is GREAT with him. So i trust that he is going to have the best time while we are gone for the day. Its the best feeling when you find people you like and trust to take care of your kids. I wasn't sure i would feel this way after we lost our Lena to a pcs move. ( Lena we MISS YOU!!)

So lets do this!

Anyone who has gone through IVF before and have advice dear god please post it!

Sunday "sleep" in...

Every week i look forward to my Sunday "sleep in". Its the best ritual that Kevin and I have going on. He gets to sleep in Saturday and i get to sleep in Sunday.  Yet, let me make this clear  our versions of sleeping in are so VERY different.  In fact i think my "sleep in" doesn't even involve any sleep. In my wildest dreams it would mean that as soon as the kids made a single peep then Kevin would rush them away from my side of the bed and i wouldn't even be disturbed. I'd slowly wake up at ten and be shocked that i didn't hear a sound from anyone all morning. This sadly to say is not what happens.  To be honest that's fine. Instead of sleeping in i have kids trying to break down the door, screaming in the hallway, jumping on the bed, or like this morning everyone jumping on the bed while i try to drink the coffee i made at 730 while getting the kids their breakfast ready.  

At this moment the kids and the hubby have taken off for the park and my real "time off" has started.  I think this is why i don't scream at everyone to "shut the fuck up and leave me alone!"  while they are all crowded on the bed encroaching on my suspected time off. Because i know in the back of my head that they will soon (finally) load up and give me a break.  I don't even need that much time. I just want to shower, brush my teeth,  use the toilette with out a small person  in the room with me trying to flush while I'm still sitting.  

So let my relaxation begin! Happy Sunday!

Better late the never....

I know, I know. Where the fuck have i been??  Well let me run it all down for you :)

First Edens MRI was clear! no need to worry about the sacral dimple.  Its not effecting her spine or any of her functions. YAY!  She has also made some insane development advances in the last few months. Talking, yelling at you in protest, running, and she has started Day care 3 days a week. Those three days give me a chance to clean up the tornado that is Eden LOL. 

Azure is back in school, taking two classes! He is doing great :)  He LOVES Ms. Emjay his morning teacher.  That class is full of structure, routines, and the picture system.  His second class is at the preschool.... That is his "do what he pleases class"... He runs around, plays with the toys, gets outside time.  Its more fun based, hardly any structure. But i really like his teachers.  Since school has started his speech and communication has greatly improved.  Today on this wonderful Saturday we even have his FIRST ABA appointment. I have no idea what we will do or how it works.  im still excited. 

Now on to me. My surrogacy journey has finished all the contracts and we how been given a tentative IVF schedule. We start 10/10.  I keep feeling like i should have a moment of "OH fuck what am i doing" but i haven't. I'm really happy to help my IP's have a family. i haven't had any second thoughts.  Now all the shots that has me a wee bit squeamish,.  The progesterone subcutaneous injection is my greatest fear.  I do have an amazing friend that is a former medic that said she could help me. THANK FUCKING GOD for you Elizabeth! My only other worry was the kids being taken care of while i do all my medical appointments. Our amazing friend Erin is going to take care of azure. The effort that she has already put into connecting with him, has been such a gift. I don't have a single worry about him with Erin. Eden was my only worry. Who would watch Eden??  Grandpa to the rescue!  My dad will take care of her and she gets along great with her  "gmpapaa".  We have my wonderful mother in law Kathy coming for a visit, plus I'm hoping i can get my sister in law Jodi to be in LA with me  for the embryo transfer.  Its all coming together!! 

Updating

Okay i should be sleeping in at the moment but the only down fall of our new house is that the master bedroom is off the kitchen. So my kids and fur baby are at the door trying to get inside. Now seems like a good time to update the blog i guess :)

Love the new house! I now walk every where with the kids. We hit up the splash park every day, where Eden is IN LOVE with the water slide. Its kinda terrifying for me to watch but she loves it. 

The sad part of the wonderful water park that is even more amazing when its 100+ here everyday is that Azure doesn't play. It breaks my heart. He just kinda stands on the outside watching how the water works. He will play along the fence or climb on the chairs. But he doesn't want to get wet. I find that crazy because this kid loves to take showers for hours and is a maniac at the pool. I'm not sure if its the other kids, or the noise that they make. But he just wonders around the out side looking in. Oh and one of the biggest plus sides of the splash park is that is FULLY fenced in. I'm working with the FMWR to get a latch on the main gate. At the moment we parents have kinda Jerry rigged our own form of lock. Speaking of fenced in parks.... I have been informed that because if my constant Ice comments about needing a fenced in play area for AZ and Eden to play. FMWR has called to let me know that they are fixing up the old day care park that hasn't been used in a year as a spec needs park!!!! its fenced in, it has small kid sized water fountains, a water table, 3 fully enclosed play areas, and sun shades over all the play structures! i Freaking love it. I have to say its a great solution to my request :)

Now MRI update. It happens tomorrow. I'm terrified. The thought of her being sedated is just really scary to me.  A good thing is that Kevin is home on block leave so we are all driving down as a family. So keep us in your thoughts and prayers that she handles sedation like a champ! 

Azure

Az is having a interesting time of it the last few weeks... We were home in the bay for a while and that was great for him because we were at Totland all day everyday and he got the chance to interact with my family. The night time part sucked with him but the wonderful weather, food, family, and entertainment made it better. Since we have been home and in our new house he seems to have... i don't want to say gotten worse... but his verbal sometime just consists of growling at us or screaming. Yet when you put a learning show on for him he repeats the whole program while watching. Its frustrating. Its causing Kevin and i to get frustrated with each other. AZ is having HUGE negative reactions to Edens fussing. Edens fussing because shes teething and Kevin and i are snapping at each other. Its a hot fucking mess sometimes. Which is why.... IM SO EXCITED FOR DISNEYLAND!!!

We will be in Socal from the 9-14th and Disneyland until the 12th. ihave no idea what we will do from the 12-14th. where we will stay or how we will entertain the kids. Im thinking a cheap motel in San Diego and hitting up the zoo?? If anyone has any suggestion's please let me know. We might just head back home on the 12th but then Azure has his follow up Dr app at UCLA on the 14th so its seems silly to drive home to drive back again. 

Damn the kids made it in. got to go.  no time to proof read sorry

New digs!

FORT IRWIN WIN!

We are moving. I love it! Eden will get her own room,  kids will have their own bathroom, and we get hardwood floors! I'm very happy about this. The house we live in now is a house that no matter how much you clean always feels dirty. I have even been embarrassed to have play dates for the kids over. Silly i know. But moving into the new sleepy hollow housing feels like the perfect time for a change. Throw the unwanted crap out. purge negative feelings along with the size 4 pants that i will admit will never (and should NEVER) fit me again. I will post pics of the new digs when i get back from our summer vacation in the bay. 

That leads into my second fun adventure. @ weeks in the bay area!! Great time with friends, food, and adventures here we come!

I also had my first medical surrogacy appointment yesterday. I was sooooooo scared. But the doctor was really funny and i think it could of been the best pelvic i have ever had. Gross yes but it gets better and kinda grosser. For the past 6 years i have been having all my "female " things taken care of at military hospitals. Well.... when you go to a ritzy fertility clinic no only do they F^&* warm the speculum but... THEY FIT YOU FOR YOUR SIZE! what?! they come in different sizes???? I'm a changed woman. i might even suggest that our clinic on post to starts at least carrying more then one size. okay enough of the "gross" stuff. Everything at the appointment was great. No blockages, cysts,  fibroids, or other negative things that could in packed the transfer or me carrying  to full term. Now we just need the labs to come back with gold stars and its on to the legal size of surrogacy. 

See you in the bay :)

Its getting HOT out here !

Yesterday was Edens first birthday!

Her year has been so much fun. Shes is sooooo very different then Azure. She has a wicked temper and loves to cuddle, run around after her brother and watch the birds in the back yard. She has NO sense of self preservation and will just simple walk of the couch or dive head first of any chair. She loves her GG more then anything,  But most of all she loves adventure and laughing. She lives her life how she was born everyday. By keeping everyone on their toes and doing the unexpected!

Here is her first picture. Born unexpectedly at home on the bathroom floor. 

Other things going on.... Azure is having his last week of Lewis this week before summer break. He LOVES it. I'm already getting excited for August when he starts again plus starts going to Colin Powell preschool.in the afternoons. He loves learning <3

Hmmmm...

I guess one thing I'm a bit hesitant to mention is that I signed myself up to be a Surrogate with a agency in La. Ive been matched with intended parents! A wonderful couple from China that has been trying to have a baby for a long time. We have met and now chat online to get to know each other better. I still need a medical screening + legal contracts to happen. But if everything goes well then this blog will start talking a lot about IVF, hormones, and the journey that will unfold. 

Wish us luck!

Big week... then blaaaaa

(started...Sunday)

What a big week we had! Go team Graham!

Azures first week of school went really well. His teacher has been really in tune with his needs (but still we really miss Lena). After the first 3 days he stopped crying at drop off and has started to participate in circle time, and the "ticket" system. He has begun to work with his the new speech therapist, who is FUCKING great. (Shes no Karen)  Her up beat energy and direct approach is just what azure needs to thrive.

I am loving the new morning routine. The morning walk to school has been invigorating. I do really wish that the dogs could join in but oh well... Eden is getting some fun azure free hours. Playgroup mornings are soooo much more relaxing. Our little girl is a firecracker. Giving her 100% of my attention while azure is in school is so much fun.  I think she might have gotten the short end of the stick for a while. But how to you balance it? when you have such a "high maintenance" child how do you make sure that both kids get the best of you? Eden gets pulled up and stuck on my hip a lot at the park and playgroup because az is all over the place.

Its now Monday afternoon, Gail force winds have trapped us inside. Thankfully they started after we got our walk in this morning. Oh Mondays why do you have to be so overcast and gross?? Az had a good day at school. while Eden and i have been really lazy, i have mounds of laundry to fold and the never ending cycle of vacuuming. But fuck it. I have NO IDEA what im going to do with my munchies after nap time. The house is giving me a headache. Irwin needs more places to hang out with kids.

Grrrrr...blaaaaa...

twas the night before school...

Twas the night before school, 

as i sit here and chill 

wondering about all of the time i will fill

With azures adventure with Lewis begins

Eden and i will shout out and sing

His bag is all packed 

His snack is all made

Will he eat it?

who know he's a punk ass that way

The route has been mapped 

For we shall set out on foot

Avoiding the cars that act all aloof

Our clothes are all  picked out to help the morning run smoothly

please kids don't wake up all cranky and moody

Tomorrow will fill up for azure with teachers

for me i have laundry plus

Eden my thrill seeker

Kevin's in the box playing war with his soldiers

the night slowly creeps on getting colder and colder

I'll take the moment to reflect on these feelings of love

Gad every day for this crazy life that is real

Tomorrows a big day so I'll say it again

Three cheers for the grahams 

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!

Grieving and Acceptance

For the last week after hearing Azure has autism, so many people have rallied to support us as a family. I am grateful, and appreciate that for love we can all share with Azure.

I'm doing better. Crazy as it sounds i had to practice saying "my son has autism". Over and over until i didn't get upset, or didn't get that catch in my throat. Why was it so upsetting? I truly believe I'm not upset that Azure has autism. Hes amazing, magical, full of love and spirit. I was sad because this will be hard for him. Things in school, meeting people, having friends.  I grieved for the social butterfly that he was a a baby, I kept looking for that moment when he switched from going on a "normal" development track of smiling, walking, climbing. To when he first starting showing signs of autism.  I don't know.  More importantly i don't care. I don't care if a vaccine, diet, "my frigidness", or the toxic water caused any of this.  My son has autism. I couldn't be more proud to be his Mum 

We have also gotten a lot done this week. Azure had a independent testing done from the school, they also diagnosed him with autism. When we went for his IEP meeting they already had all of his need and goals that i had wanted in place. The meeting was amazing! i felt SOOOOO much better after. As of Monday Az will be attending the special Ed class at Lewis elementary, Where he will be getting speech, ABA, and occupational therapy. Plus his teacher Mrs.M has been working with gifted kids for a long time. I have faith that azure will get all the help he needs in her class. Plus... I feel great knowing that azure is in a safe environment. 

What will Eden and i do with ourselves??

Birthday's :)

Birthdays in the army are a bit hit and miss. Last year kevin missed Azures birthday because of a rotation. This year he has to miss it for 24hour staff duty. So we kinda delayed azures birthday a bit till monday.
Thank god Az is young enough where he doesn't know its even his birthday. I fact if you sing him Happy Birthday you will witness an EPIC melt down.
So for his "semi birthday"  we kept it low key.
Started the day off with his birthday Easter basket. He loved it. CANDY FOR BREAKFAST! (it was only 8 jelly beans, no worries). The rest of the day couldn't live up to our fun yet relaxing morning. Azure had 3 insane melt downs. That now seem to include dramatic attempts to flip over the kitchen table, chairs, or anything else not nailed down.  By the time he was calmed down it was to hot and late for the park. I made up for it by making him a hard boiled egg... He doesn't eat them...He is kinda obsessed with just holding them. He had it with him all day. It was kinda cute. He even has a cute little "egg" dance.
The rest of the day went by in a blur of errands, phone calls, and more freak outs. I will admit having a diagnosis gives me hope that all of us could now learn tools to help him calm down and communicate. But until then I'm doing a lot of deep breathing.
Tomorrow is monday and kevin will be home! I'm going to push for a late afternoon family birthday adventure. It should involve Balloons and cupcakes.  I promise Az we wont sing xxoo

Happy Birthday my magical little man xoxox 

Autism.

Today we were was told that Azure has Autism. 

I kinda freaked out. I'm still freaking out. Even the fact that i felt like it was coming didn't stop the sudden felling of being blindsided. Suddenly i started playing all the things that kids do through my head and wondering if AZ will participate in them. School dances, sleep overs, best friends, sports teams, theater, prom, collage, kids of his own???? I should of been listening closer to what the Dr. were telling me or turned to Kevin and asked him how he was feeling. Did he have the sudden panicked feeling in his chest. did he want to stand up and tell these trained professionals that "no your wrong! our child cant be only at a 24m learning level. We are good parents!"

But why am i freaking out. its not like they told us he is terminally ill, hes a happy, fun, little boy that Freaking loves airplanes. Its because Autism is still a "dirty word". Finding out now means our world if now going to fill up with different forms of therapy. 15-30 hours a week of speech, occupational, floor time, in home help for everyday milestones like potty training, sleeping and even eating. We have pages of readings and list's of people we need to call. This new "label" will consume our lives for the next few months. Non of this changes who azure has always been. Im just sad that now instead of trips to the park every afternoon it will be appointments and learning tools. For that i am sad.

But for this weekend all of that can wait.  Azure turns 3 on Sunday. So i will stop crying, blaming, googling, and feeling sad. instead we will celebrate this amazing little man that has so much to teach us! 

Azure racing.

eden enjoying her fries.

Add caption

I'm not sure if you can see it but the box of tussies  should of been a heads up as to what they were going to tell us...

The plane he remembered from his first tests. 

Relaxing in Jenny and Matt's backyard 

found him in the bike basket naked. Fun times.

A huge thank you to all our wonderful friends and family for the support and kind words xxoo

thank you jenny and matt for opening up  your home to us!

I blame me.

With Azures upcoming appointment on Friday i have been looking for ways to distract myself. Careful what you wish for people... 

Here's the back story. Eden was born with a Sacral Dimple. That mean's above her butt there is a deep dimple that makes her butt crack look crazy long. The pediatrician on call that night she was born looked at it 3 times before letting us discharge from the hospital just to "make sure" it was closed. At every Well Baby appointment since then they have always  taken a look at it and said "looks closed" or "pretty sure its closed". I asked at her 9m well baby if we had a way of just making sure it was closed because no doctor has every really said that they thought it was 100% closed.  Glad i asked because at her ultra sound this morning we found out that... ITS NOT fucking CLOSED! 

So that opens the door to a whole new set of Doctor appointments,  MRI, and 99% sure of some form of spinal surgery to close the dimple. Worst case is that she could get an infection in the dimple that will infect her spine. 

This was not the distraction that i had wanted. I was thinking of art activities or taking the kids to the pool. Not coordinating MRI's and doctors appointments with Kevin rotation schedule.  

I think im really mad this wasn't checked earlier. Im angry i had to suggest that we make sure. Im angry at the shock the doctor had when he found out that eden crawled and even walks already. I think i'm just really fucking angry. 

48 hour countdown.....

Easter, Birthday, and Azure's diagnosis are all coming up n the next few days.  Today we got crafty and pulled a Pintrest idea for dying Easter eggs. AZ FUCKING LOVED IT! I loved it because it was super easy. A few hard boiled eggs, some shaving cream, and food coloring was all we needed.

Having a blast!

 very careful with putting his egg on the spoon

The eggs turned out great! pale in color but that works for me because we worked on leaning his pastel colors. He does a very cute "lavender"

I think i needed the distraction today. Eden was up most of the night because of her teeth, or gas?? so i am CRAZY tired. Its so hot here already that being outside this morning seemed to zap the energy out of me. 

 Plus... I'm doing my best to not over think that in less then 48 a team of highly trained doctors could change the course of our learning path with azure.   Cant wait to get a "yes" or "no" from them and move forward. Not knowing is making me NUTZ!

SO does anyone have any other great indoor, kids games that could help the kids have fun + me stay distracted from the looming results??

Test 2...

I'm crazy tired. I'm being the worst version of myself the last few days. My poor husband and kids :(  lets make it clear the worst version of me is not a yelling, screaming, crying mess. Instead i  kinda of shut down and go into auto pilot mode. Blaaa i need... what do i need...? Who knows. Here is what has been going on...

We completed Test Day 2 with Azure at the Boone fetter Clinic. This round he wasn't tuned into his testers as he had been the first time. He didn't seem to want to engage with the speech pathologist and the pediatric physician. I have  NO IDEA what they may tell us on the 18th. We keep being told by people that something is up with him. What ever is is we will deal with the best way. Laughter and love.

Today while at play group azure was pushing and shoving and kicking every kid that came near him. I had a moment when i thought, if he isn't on the spectrum... i will have to come to terms with the fact that he's an asshole to other kids. A huge asshole. please just make this a faze. Horrific 3's??

Eden and i got to have a fun girls night Saturday. Kevin and Az Stayed the night camping at Rainbow Basin .

Playing in the dirt

Spring has come to the high desert

Fun times with new friends :)

Camping could be a new family fun adventure for us! 

Test 1...

Today was day 1 of azures autism evaluation. 

Have to say that i think it went really well! Shelby the occupational therapist that he spent most of the morning with was really engaging with him.  Everything that he did was all "play based" he got to stack blocks, paint, play with shapes, all sorts of fun stuff. i think the only negative was the room was insanely stuff and that by the time the speech pathologist came in for her assessment Azure was really starting to burn out. 

Eden also came along, that made things really hard. Although azure was so focused on the toys that when Eden started to flip out he didn't seem to care.  The ride home was a different story. 

Im glad that the first assessment is over. It was really draining for all of us to drive the 3hours, 3 hour app, then 4 hour drive home. Kinda crazy. We wish that we could drop Gusgus off at the kennel and stay the weekend in LA eating food and taking the kids to the beach. :)

Green trees, good food, and family love :)

Back in the bay BABY!  I think i could possible have undone all the hard work of my challenge in just week in the bay. I have consumed Cheeseboard, Gordos, Thai food, Sarah's cooking, Roam burger, Dinner with family, and a great BBq with friends. It feels amazing. The kids are also blossoming while we have been home.  Being so isolated in Irwin is hard on everyone. Azure having to communicate with our family and friends is sooooooo great for him. 

Eden of course is also LOVING all the attention. Shes into everything! She has is so very close to walking that its scary. I'm not ready. 

A few more days left...

Day 22 ...Last day !!!

What a great last day of my challenge! Started off with me getting breakfast in bed. Yep luckiest Mama EVER!

My favorite Vegan pancakes with fresh fruit and coffee :) Thank you Kevin my loving husband for letting me rest xoxo

Lunch

Today was a day of the food i enjoyed the most the last 22 days. My hands down fave is my simple Avocado toast with fresh basil. 

I could live of this!

Its no joke when i stat that today was the best kind of lazy family day. Because after lunch i got ot nap with my love. Shes a bed hog.

Here was the fun we has after everyone got a rest...GOLF!

Azure LOVED it!

We all got to play in the grass even GusGus got to stretch his legs off leash for a bit.

Who knew that Fort Irwin had such a nice open space that NO ONE ever uses. Sad to that it was the best patch of grass on the whole POST!! 

Dinner

Bad picture sorry, but sooooooooo fucking good. Pasta with leeks, asparagus, and Bok choy. Kevin made it to i ate way to much. Hes sooo good at creating in the kitchen! 

This adventure as a vegan has been fun. It would of been better if i was able to get my hands on better fruits,  veggies,  and alternative foods. But we are so limited here...  That would of made this less of "food loopy" i think. should of branched out a bit more in my meals. (Once again 2 small kids and not a lot of choices here.) The stats of my vegan adventure are:

-lost 8 lbs

-came to terms with the need to take care of "me" 

-cut way back on my sugar intake with out really trying

hmmmm...

I think that's it. Challenge accepted. Challenge completed! I think next will be 22 days of running? Or yoga? Insanity workouts?  But tomorrow its the BACON BIRTHDAY! i might eat it at every meal....

-

Day 20 + 21... Almost done!!!

Tomorrow is Sunday and the last day of the 22 day vegan Challenge! I've already prepped my breakfast of Fluffy vegan pancakes for the morning. I should be eating them in bed because its my DAY TO SLEEP IN!!!! AAAHAHA. I will admit that i could of been better this last week. Sarah my co challenger hit the nail on the head when she said "the trick is being prepared". When I don't prep my food or have a section in the fridge just ready for me to grab on the go. Then i fail. OK fail is a bad word for it, to negative. It becomes way more challenging when I'm not prepared. So everything is prepped for tomorrow. Then Monday is BIRTHDAY BACON FEST!

Family fun time at the park!

Slide with Daddy 

Dinner
Fresh tacos with all sorts of yummy peppers and  salsa

Fun times!!

Days 19 and 20.... Time with just me...

2 days left to go! Today was an interesting day... I got to have a few hours to myself for a trip to the dentist. You should of seen me. i had my music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs, and a smile that stretched from ear to ear. Then the dentist.......... UGGGG... I have never had a cavity in my life. today i was told that i have 7. FUCKING 7!! I'm blaming pregnancy. The killer for me was the $768.00 we have to pay out of pocket. Our pockets are shallow.  That turned my drive home into me running numbers through my head in every direction i could think of. Bottom line, i need a paying job. Bad. 

At least my food today was amazing. proud of myself for not giving into my self coping of eating while i was freaking out. It could of also helped that most of my freaking out was during my 1.5 hour drive back to base.

Breakfast

This is by far my fave breakfast. Its the fresh basil and avocado combo. Rich, creamy, and the fresh zing of the basil. Perfect :)

Lunch

Wonderful colorful salad! A bit of everything in this one. roasted peppers, cucumbers, brussel sprouts, yellow rice, and avocado. Yum!

Dinner

Once again i had a salad but, this time Kevin made it. *Trivia about us- i put in my wedding vows that he has to make me salads*. Why would i do that you ask. BECAUSE HES AMAZING AT IT. Tonight spot on! Pan roasted peppers, asparagus, and onions with an orange vin. With caramelized onion crostini

(bad pic sorry)

I'm going to conclude my day with trying to see the big picture of the universe. We have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, My children are happy, and healthy. As much as i want to scream and shout about the constant stress of money and living pay check to pay check. i wont.  Instead I'm going relax and give it up. These problems will still be here tomorrow. So tonight i give them up. Doctor who is waiting for me. Going to zone. Goodnight xxoo

Day 17+ 18 ... Azure's paper work continues....

Day 17 and 18 are done. It ended with a HUGE amount of paper work to fill out before Azures first test appointment. It feels daunting.  We have Bayley Scale, Sensory Profile, Behavior checklist, Parent Report, and a Stress Index. To be filled out ASAP. Feels like taking the S.A.T with every subject being our child. Should be easy you think "i know my child". But its more then that. i cant even put it into words, i don't know how to explain the tightening of my chest, the faster pace of my heart, and the buzz in my head when i start to answer page one. I'm frozen. Deep breath. Again. Deep breath.  Don't cry.  This is happening.  I'm filling the paper work out that could answer so many unexplained questions. If Hes autistic then that's OK. Its not the possible diagnosis that scares me. Its the way people might treat him. When Kevin was deployed for the first time i got a lot of shoulder pat's and head tilts. I don't what those for my son. I don't want to hear another parents voice to go up an octave in sympathy. No matter what they say about him when this testing is over... He is my son, and he is magical. So i will answer these pages and PAGES of questions as tears roll down my cheeks. I will breath. This journey continues...

Day 15 +16...OUCH.

Ouch. Not sure whats going on but everything in my body hurts + i have a red rash all over every part of me. OUCH. i feel like I'm a million years old. My joints hurt, from my pinkie toe to my neck.  Have to admit that I sure look funny going down the stairs. I'm sorry for anyone that has any sort if foot, ankle, knee problems that encounters stairs at any point of time. OUCH.  FUCKING OUCH. Oh and NEVER ever google any sort of medical symptoms you may have. For 20 min i almost convinced my self i had lupus or scarlet fever. I don't, no need to worry.  

Thank god Kevin was home to help. Think i might have been a  bit hard on him the first day. Sometimes when you spend so much time apart that when you come back together the expectation and the reality of the situation don't fit together. A bit of butting heads. Got to make more of an effort to be nice to each other.

On to food :) i only have 2 pictures. It hurts to move my arms. It hurts to type. 

vegan pancakes and fresh strawberries

 SOOOO yummy! Spanish rice, with bean salad, cabbage slaw, and cilantro hot sauce! best family  dinner in a while :)

Goodnight i hope i feel better in the morning uggg.

Day 14

Day 14 is DONE!! I;ve got 2 snotty monsters so the house is a hot fucking mess HAHA... But the great news KEVIN COMES HOME TONIGHT! FUCK YES! He will mostly be worthless for the first 24hours. Having spent a week in the desert training and sleeping in his vehicle.  Hes will also smell, be super hungry, and have WAY to much laundry. I couldn't careless about that because AZ is going to be sooooooooo excited!

Breakfast

ezykle raisen toast with fresh strawberries and coffee

Snack

Chips and salsa 

No more pictures of food i had to charge my beast of a phone. Kinda tempted to upgrade to a smart phone but....holding back for some reason. We shall see. I'm short on time so here's the short of it:

-raining cats and dogs here, it smells. not sure why but it smells.

-had a teeny freak out at the market when i thought that the dark chocolate i have been eating had butter in it. Sarah calmed me down. (thank you love)

-completely hooked on Doctor Who. Fucking  brilliant.

Good night :)

Playing together!!! (small victories)